a melancholy Tuesday afternoon post.

today on the On This Day on Facebook, I saw a picture of myself five years ago on my first day of my senior year of high school. it was while I was still in bed, so I decided that I would wear that same shirt today. that shirt was one of my favorites that year, because it was a gift from one of my musician friends, a shirt for his USA tour that year.

later, after getting out of the shower and getting dressed and ready for the day, I decided that it would be fun to listen to some of the music that I listened to that year, starting with the album that came with the shirt. it was fine listening to that album because I had some fond memories with the songs (some of which I still listen to on a very regular basis).

but listening to that album led me into some other albums I listened to a lot that year, and that was when things got harder.

the thing is that I used to have a much more familiar relationship with one of the musicians whose album I listened to, and he and the another musician I listened to today did as well. the second album that I listened to was her songs about him, and it made me so emotional today, since I don't really listen to a lot of those songs anymore.

but the weirdest part about listening to these albums was knowing that they were recorded about five/six years ago, when these musicians were around my age. when they were 21/22, they were out traveling and touring and playing music. things have changed so much now. I haven't seen him in four and a half years! the funny thing is that at this point five years ago, I still hadn't met either of these two because I didn't meet them until late October. I am so thankful though to have her as a part of my life. this got me to thinking about where I am now compared to where they were then, and I know that I shouldn't compare myself to other people, but I did.

it's not that I'm not happy to be where I am right now. I love my job and getting to know all of these wonderful people and helping to take care of them, but sometimes, when they're not here, it's just so hard and I miss them so much and I wish that I could be traveling the world and seeing new things and experiencing life on the road. I wish that I took the time to learn an instrument, and I wish that I had the musical talent that these people have.

this post doesn't have an ending, just to say that I miss these people so much and I can't wait to give them each a hug again and feel the pain melt away.

"first and foremost I've gotta learn not to give a shit

but I can't do it

I'll never throw the first hit."

"listen, listen, listen to me

there is still no other place

I'd rather be."

{lyrics from I'm Such a Fool by Geri X} 

I fell back down the rabbit hole today, and while I know that I need to get myself back out, sometimes it's just so comfortable here.

xoxo.