real talk Tuesday :: on mental illness

about real talk Tuesdays: sometimes I like to talk about the real and heavy stuff that is going on in my life. it's not a regular thing that happens every Tuesday, but I tried to streamline it down to only being on Tuesdays, if ever. (that said, not every post that happens to be on a Tuesday is going to be heavy.) they're written stream of consciousness because they are typically snippets from my actual journal.

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I have been mentally writing this post for months. I just wish that I would have taken note of at least some of it, because when I sat down to actually type it out, my mind just started wandering other places. I had originally started this draft in November, and I was planning on publicly sharing it in January at the beginning of the year, but then I looked up when National Eating Disorder Awareness Week is, and I figured that that week (this week!) would be the time to share.

the problem is that I really don't know when the beginning was. I was always made fun of and picked on through elementary, middle, and high school. for most of the first three years of high school, I would eat lunch with my upperclassmen friends in one of the upstairs hallways, and then senior year I started eating in the commons again with my friends, and it made me just feel really weird. I just felt so awkward eating around people, and I don't really have an answer as to why. I am just so so self conscious and I constantly feel like the people around me are judging me, when I know that for the most part, we're all just more focused on ourselves to really pay attention to what others are doing.

at some point, I stopped bringing food with me to the motel when I would work at night. I would just get so busy with everything going on that I wouldn't take the time to take a break to eat. I'm not blaming this on the motel. I'm not blaming this on anyone there either. I know in my heart that I can take the time when I need the time, and that I just need to listen to my body and take care of it.

the point is that I've been hurting myself for years. I've been slowly trying to be better about eating in the evenings, but it still is so weird for me to eat in front of people. do you know how hard it is for me to go to a restaurant, especially by myself? it's absolutely terrifying, when I know that there is noting to be afraid of. food = fuel and I need to work on that.

there were some scary things that happened in the last year or so because of being so terrified to eat around people. last January, I was on vacation and I went 22 hours without eating. super unsafe, as I know. a few weeks ago, during one of the events at the motel, I was in the back of one of the evening meetings, and I was so scared of the possibility of passing out in front of all of those people (though I have never passed out before). on the other side of my brain, there was this little voice that said, "it's fine; you've been doing this for years and you'll be okay." horrifying.

I am currently one month sober. I know that this is going to be better for my overall health and well-being, as I have learned that when you don't eat, you can easily get a hangover after having just one drink.

I've been naturally thin my whole life, and while this didn't really start out as a desire to stay thin, I would be lying if I said that I wasn't afraid of gaining weight. what I need to keep telling myself is that the way to better achieve this is by regular exercise and eating properly. I'm supposed to be going back to the Y to swim a few mornings a week, and I am totally slacking on that. I know that that would help me feel so much better, and I have more than enough time to get outside and just walk around the neighborhood more often. fresh air is good for everyone.

another thing that terrifies me is my willingness to lie to people about this... just being so horrified at someone's offer of food that I freeze and lie to them. it's really scary.

it's not uncommon for someone with an eating disorder to also have anxiety and/or depression. I think that the depression (which I really don't think is severe) probably came to light while I was in college and starting to feel like I really had no friends. to this day, there are times when I get really worked up over not being invited out to things, but then when I do get invited, I don't want to go anyway. it's a horrible circle that just ends in me crying when I am trying to fall asleep, wondering why I'm still alone. (and don't even get me started on the number of times I have started crying in the diner at the motel because that is super awkward.) it's really scary that I can turn the fake emotions back on for people and pretend to be happy, but I know that it's really there when I get aggravated about the dumbest things. (sorry for yelling, Mom.)

I was too embarrassed to be more open about all of this in the past because I wanted to feel like everything was normal and I didn't want to be treated differently by anyone who knew the truth. I also didn't want to accept help in getting to where I needed to be to recover from all of this. but I guess what I should have realized is that no one can overcome mental illness alone. I'm not making this public knowledge for pity, but because everyone who is struggling silently deserves support and acceptance.

recovery is neither easy nor immediate, but it is more than necessary. there are dozens of children whose lives I am a part of every week, and I need to be healthy and set a good example for them. my family needs me, and I have my adult children to take care of as well. this is important. here goes nothing. I can recover and so can you.

to those who have already walked beside me in this journey to being healthy again, thank you. your support even though you had no idea what was going on means the world to me. to those who are close to me and are learning about this because I posted it on social media, I'm truly sorry. opening up to people about things was never my strong suit.

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suggested reading:

real talk Tuesdays :: on being the quiet one
National Eating Disorder Awareness Organization

Psychology Today | Eating Disorders and Social Anxiety

Eating Disorders | Anxiety and Depression Association of America

12 Things People Don't Understand About Eating Disorders

Here's What No One Tells You About Having Both Depression And Anxiety

57 Ways People With Eating Disorders Got Well

xoxo.

real talk Tuesdays :: on being the quiet one

about real talk Tuesdays: sometimes I like to talk about the real and heavy stuff that is going on in my life. it's not a regular thing that happens every Tuesday, but I tried to streamline it down to only being on Tuesdays, if ever. (that said, not every post that happens to be on a Tuesday is going to be heavy.) they're written stream of consciousness because they are typically snippets from my actual journal.

I was going to change names, but then that seemed like too much work. this is literally copied and pasted from a note on my phone.

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One of the things that still sticks out the most to me about the time I spent with Cash this June was that when I was quiet and just taking everything in at Beach and the Woods and in the car, he asked me multiple times what I was thinking about. He made a comment that Sunday night at the bar about how hard it is to read me and that he thought it was the eyes. (For the record, this wasn't the first time that I've been told that I am hard to read, but it was the first time that it was narrowed down to something specific. Maybe I should learn how to play poker.)

I guess I've never really had anyone actually ask me what I was thinking about before. I'm a quiet person and I think that it really has a lot to do with how I was brought up. I'm sure the Catholic school experience was part of it, but I believe that a lot of it has to do with the fact that I witnessed a lot of fights between my mother and my sister as I was growing up. I will never forget sitting in the car crying on my 13th birthday as my mom and sister yelled at each other at my sister's cottage on Bay Shore.

My sister and mother are so alike in how they speak and express themselves. They both love to talk and gossip, but are always very vague about things, trying to get people to ask them for more information. What I have learned in recent years about my father (because honestly I don't remember a whole lot about him when I was growing up) is that he is not really vocal at all, and I am seeing that I am the same way.

I really don't know how to talk to people, and they make me so nervous. I think that another part of this is that a lot of things that I want to say are things that I feel like I'm not allowed to talk about and that I don't have anyone to actually talk to about them.

It was a joke in yearbook my junior and senior years of high school that Logan (and maybe Kyle, Heather, and Erin) would "steal" my backbone because I am just so spineless.

I truly feel like I have no friends anymore. I have no social life and I rarely go out other than the events at the motel because I am just so nervous around people. Other than things for work or from my mother/sister, the only phone calls and texts I get are from people who want something from me. No one ever just wants to talk to me.

People like to just tell me stuff about their day, and I find it so strange because I would never feel like I should just tell someone about where I went for dinner and what I had and what I talked to who about.

Maybe I'm to blame because I always go for the short answer when people ask me questions, but I just wish that one time someone would get me to open up and talk about something.

I just want someone to care.

I just want someone to know.

I just want someone to understand.

I just don't want to feel so alone.

xoxo.

introducing real talk Tuesdays :: on divorce

a couple weeks ago, I wrote a post on a Tuesday afternoon about some feelings that I had that day, and then yesterday, I was watching a video on BuzzFeed which made me want to write this post. so once in a while, it's going to be "real talk Tuesday" around here with some stream of consciousness posts about what is really going on in my life. I'm hoping that they won't all be angry/sad posts, but they're not going to be all completely happy, and this is your warning if you don't want to read them. this is real life and the sun isn't always shining, but there can always be beauty to see.

maybe this is going to be too personal for me to want to post, but at the same time, I also feel that there has to be someone else in the world with a similar situation, and maybe this will help them feel less alone.

thanks to this BuzzFeed video for inspiration.

this was going to be a completely different post, but then I felt uncomfortable giving out a lot of personal information about me and my family.

just because I was 19 when my parents separated doesn't mean that it doesn't affect me.

just because my father decided to walk away doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to be angry since it wasn't my marriage.

just because your parents got a divorce doesn't mean that it was the exact situation that I went through.

just because I have never been married, it doesn't mean that this won't affect me and any relationships that I may have.

were my depression and anxiety-fueled eating disorder a product of the divorce? no, but the divorce certainly didn't help them.

I am allowed to be angry.

I am allowed to be hurt.

I am allowed to have feelings, too.

everyone is entitled to have their own opinions and therefore everyone is also entitled to have their own feelings and emotions.

xoxo.

a melancholy Tuesday afternoon post.

today on the On This Day on Facebook, I saw a picture of myself five years ago on my first day of my senior year of high school. it was while I was still in bed, so I decided that I would wear that same shirt today. that shirt was one of my favorites that year, because it was a gift from one of my musician friends, a shirt for his USA tour that year.

later, after getting out of the shower and getting dressed and ready for the day, I decided that it would be fun to listen to some of the music that I listened to that year, starting with the album that came with the shirt. it was fine listening to that album because I had some fond memories with the songs (some of which I still listen to on a very regular basis).

but listening to that album led me into some other albums I listened to a lot that year, and that was when things got harder.

the thing is that I used to have a much more familiar relationship with one of the musicians whose album I listened to, and he and the another musician I listened to today did as well. the second album that I listened to was her songs about him, and it made me so emotional today, since I don't really listen to a lot of those songs anymore.

but the weirdest part about listening to these albums was knowing that they were recorded about five/six years ago, when these musicians were around my age. when they were 21/22, they were out traveling and touring and playing music. things have changed so much now. I haven't seen him in four and a half years! the funny thing is that at this point five years ago, I still hadn't met either of these two because I didn't meet them until late October. I am so thankful though to have her as a part of my life. this got me to thinking about where I am now compared to where they were then, and I know that I shouldn't compare myself to other people, but I did.

it's not that I'm not happy to be where I am right now. I love my job and getting to know all of these wonderful people and helping to take care of them, but sometimes, when they're not here, it's just so hard and I miss them so much and I wish that I could be traveling the world and seeing new things and experiencing life on the road. I wish that I took the time to learn an instrument, and I wish that I had the musical talent that these people have.

this post doesn't have an ending, just to say that I miss these people so much and I can't wait to give them each a hug again and feel the pain melt away.

"first and foremost I've gotta learn not to give a shit

but I can't do it

I'll never throw the first hit."

"listen, listen, listen to me

there is still no other place

I'd rather be."

{lyrics from I'm Such a Fool by Geri X} 

I fell back down the rabbit hole today, and while I know that I need to get myself back out, sometimes it's just so comfortable here.

xoxo.

I started typing and this is what happened.

I have no idea where this post is going to end up, but here is a picture of some purple flowers. Sometimes I think of things that I could write about, and then I sit down in front of a blank post and my mind goes blank and I just keep typing about nothing. Like right now, for example.

Maybe I should just turn this into a post where I write some random facts about me. Except one of my high school math teachers (he taught Algebra II and Probability & Statistics) said that humans cannot do random.

Moving on.

I usually have no plans on Wednesdays, and sometimes I stay in my apartment all day and I don't do anything too productive. For example today (which is technically now yesterday, because I published this on Thursday - and now I'm writing in weird tenses and this is like being inside my head), I didn't do my hair or makeup (but I'm wearing real clothes!) and I just watched Celebrity Wife Swap and Cupcake Wars and read a book and did some journaling. I was going to go for a walk, but then I was like, "Nahhhh. I'll do some laundry and schedule some appointments instead."

I just did a search for MySpace surveys so that I can answer some questions or whatever instead of writing about nothing at all. I never actually had a MySpace...

Here goes...

1. I love... my jobs even though sometimes I don't show it. I love working with the kids and all of the amazing people that I have become connected with through the motel. (This prompt made me think of a quote from Children's Liturgy of the Word this week: "I love love. My daddy throws me up in the air and says, 'Woo hoo!' and then I fall in his lap."

2. Right now I want... to brush my teeth. I'll be right back.

3. I feel like... sometimes everything is my responsibility when it isn't. I also feel like sometimes I am more negative than necessary.

4. I hate it when... things aren't clean.
 
5. I fear... that life is too short, not just for me but for everyone.
 
6. I'm lonely without... music.
 
7. I need... a new catalytic converter for Luna and to schedule some appointments for birthday prep.
 
8. Today I... watched Cupcake Wars and they put seafood in cupcakes and it was gross.
 
9. Tomorrow I'm... going to work with the kids and at the motel. You really never know what's going to happen at either place.
 
10. I just... want a hug.
 
11. I want to meet... the Osbournes.
 
12. I'm hungry for... bbq pulled pork, which I have been craving since Kelsey and I went to Olive Garden for lunch last Monday and only ate carbs (and cheese).
 
13. I love it when... someone stops by the motel to say hi to me. 
14. I'm afraid of... raw meat and insects.
 
15. I'm listening to... James Hall and Liv Mueller. The song is called "One Last Drink of You."
 
16. I'm wearing... American Eagle jeans (as always), a v-neck tee, and a USC hoodie.
 
17. I wish I was in... I'm drawing a blank on this one because I don't really have an answer.
 
18. I'm craving... cupcakes. There's a box of cupcake mix in my kitchen, but I'm saving that for my birthday.
 
19. I want to get... more clothes. But nothing ever looks like something I would wear.
 
20. I can... fold a fitted sheet correctly.
 
21. I can't... do a cartwheel.
 
22. I have... spent too much money at Target in my life.
 
23. I haven't... been outside of North America.
 
24. I'm nervous to... move away from Door County.
 
25. My Mom thinks I'm...  I should move to a big city so she can come and visit me.
 
26. My Dad thinks I'm... I don't even know what to say to this one. I just really don't know.
 
28. I'm happy when...
 
29. I'm sad when... everyone sees rainbows and posts pictures on Facebook and Instagram, but I didn't get to see the rainbows. (It was actually a double rainbow, and it was pretty big.)
 
30. I like eating... ice cream, cupcakes, pizza, pasta, and cereal. But lest you think all I eat is junk food, I do like fresh fruit and yogurt and smoothies with spinach.
 
31. I hate eating... most vegetables. Like broccoli and squash and beans and such. Yuck.
 
32. I love watching... trashy tv, such as the Teen Mom/16 & Pregnant shows, the Hills, Celebrity Wife Swap...
 
33. I love listening to... music. All the time.
 
34. I like playing... When I was younger, I had a GameBoy Color with the Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets game, and I would play that a lot. Except the game was kind of broken and wouldn't save, so I never made it to the end.
 
35. I hate waking up to... people talking outside... Thanks, moving company on Tuesday.
 
36. I can see... clearly now, the rain is gone. Just kidding. (: I'm in the dining room and I can see a mess on the table (where I am sitting), into the pantry, and a photograph on the wall.
 
37. I'm glad that... things are going the way they are. Sometimes life throws you a curveball (is that the right saying?), but I believe that everything will work out in the end exactly how it was supposed to be, because it's not over until it's over.
 
38. I'm disappointed that... I turned down some opportunities that could have been beautiful, but there's always an opportunity for more beauty to come along.
 
39. I look like... myself?
 
40. I wish I looked like... Sometimes I wish I looked like Geri X. Okay, maybe not look like her (because that would be a little creepy), but I do sometimes wish that I could pull of colored hair or full sleeves tattoos.

xoxo.

stream of consciousness vol. two

{from a week or two ago}

I wish I was one of those bloggers who has a perfectly planned out post for every day of the week, but I'm not, so I'm just going to let my fingers type and see where this ends up...

It's almost nine o'clock on Monday night as I sit at the dining room table writing. I was going to make some macaroni and cheese from scratch for dinner tonight, but by the time I got home, I just didn't feel like doing it, so I put a pizza in the oven instead. Did you know that California Pizza Kitchen makes personal pizzas? That's not what I had (I had DiGiorno), but they're really good. I wish that we had a CPK nearby instead of Pizza Hut. A Chick-Fil-A would also be nice...

I've been watching The Hills on hulu lately, and I'm kind of addicted. There really isn't a whole lot of substance to the show; it just seems to be about drama, but I like seeing life in LA and working at Teen Vogue. Plus since it's a few years old, it's crazy to see how everyone dressed.

My nails are bare right now, which is weird. They seem a lot stronger than usual as well. I was going to paint them on Thursday night, so I took off the other nail polish that I had on, and I trimmed my nails, and picked out a color, but then I just didn't feel like dealing with the wet nails and just the whole process. I want to get a professional manicure soon, since I have a gift certificate for a spa about an hour and a half away. I also have a gift card for a local spa, and I want to get a facial there. But I don't know what kind to get! Any suggestions?

It got up to like 54 degrees today. It was so nice out, which is great, because it literally snowed three days ago (Friday). I got off work that night and had to scrape the ice off my car. I hate having to scrape/brush ice/snow off my car. It's not going to be fun that my new apartment doesn't have a garage.

I'm moving at the end of the month! I'm excited but kind of scared at the same time. I've actually been living alone for the past few weeks (long story), and it's just really weird. Especially since it's the house that I grew up in, with like half of the furniture gone. I'm ready for a fresh start. But it's going to be expensive. I need to find a washer and dryer, and I want to get a new desk and a new bed and a new blender and some other little stuff like that. I'm looking for a quiet blender, because the one that I have right now is kind of old (I found it buried in the kitchen cabinets) and it's really loud and doesn't work the greatest with frozen foods. I'm kind of wanting to get a NutriBullet, but I am open to suggestions.

I've been working on shooting in manual, and it is kind of scary and annoying at times, but it is so exciting to know that I am completely in control of what my camera is doing. I just wish that there was a camera that worked as well to adjust to the lighting to take pictures exactly as you see the world.

So, I decided on my Halloween costume on November second, but now I want to be Betty Crocker for the second night of Halloween! I don't really like how I look in the color red all of the time because of my skin tone, but if I find a dress that would work, I am totally going to do it. I just need to learn how to apply lipstick and how to curl my hair...

I really want to go shopping, but I don't want to spend any money. I need a new bikini, but at the same time, I don't really often need to wear a bikini, because usually when I go swimming in the summer, it's with the kids at summer camp, so I wear a one-piece. I found a cute bikini on clearance at Target, but they didn't have a top that fit me, just a bottom. I found a different top that would work with it (the bottom was black and white leopard print with mint accents and the top I found was just plain black), but I didn't end up buying them. It would be so much easier to shop for swimwear if they used bra sizes instead of just S/M/L, etc.

xoxo.

a stream of consciousness

wow. I have not been a great blogger lately. I just feel like I don't even know what to say anymore. it's weird sharing your life with a bunch of strangers on the internet, but the person I want to be doing this for is me. I want to have a place with my pictures and my words together. I shouldn't have to worry about the things I can/should/can't/shouldn't say, and just speak what's on my mind. I think that's a statement in general, and not just about blogging.

last week was a little crazy. I worked five days straight at the motel, because some of my hours got shifted around, and I spent three mornings in a row with the littles at the Y. I'm excited to be getting back into the grove of things there. it's weird because I so desperately wanted to be done with that, but I really love those kids. they can be a handful at times, but they are so adorable and they say the funniest things.

I brought my camera with me to the motel once this week, and it feels great to be getting more comfortable behind the lens. I'm working on not using the preset modes as much. it's hard, but I think it will be worth it.

my no spend month is going wonderfully, and I am very excited to be putting my savings towards a much-needed vacation pretty soon! can't wait!

I hope you all are having a wonderful week. I'll be back tomorrow with week three of my photo a day project!

xoxo.

alive & crazy.

I bought these mugs at Target yesterday. I want the New York and London ones too. (They also have San Francisco.) I swear I only went there to buy a sweater, since they were on sale for forty percent off. I ended up getting two super soft sweaters - a purple v-neck pullover and a brown heather v-neck cardigan.

I'm currently sitting in my resume-writing class, laughing at all of the things that these people say. Yesterday in psychology class, I ordered my cap and gown, and I looked around to find a dress to wear for graduation as well. I really like this one from A&F. I can't believe I'm graduating in less than a month! I still feel like I have so much to get done. I have to finish my internship, and my last three classes.

In one of my classes, we are putting together the annual talent show for our school. I really have no idea what's going on because I have only been there for the second half of the class.

Thanksgiving is in two days! I can't believe that it's already the end of the year!

I ordered a leather jacket from Boden, and it came in the mail a few days ago, but I ordered the wrong size, so I had to send it back. It is so soft and so beautiful; I hope that the size I exchanged for fits like a glove, because I really want to wear it!

Last night, I ordered some spiral-bound mini books from Printstagram. I've ordered some before, and they are really great quality. I would love to order some actually prints from them one day, because they look to be really great quality.

So that's where I am this morning.

xoxo.

stream of consciousness

Free write day. I’m sitting here at Glas {read about it in Tuesday’s post here}. It’s quarter to two on a Monday.

I’m just supposed to write about what’s going through my mind, right?

{insert sip of drink here. ouch. it’s still pretty hot. tastes a little different than usual.}

The bridge is up because there is a sailboat going through. I always think it’s funny to watch people waiting in line for one of the three bridges here in Sturgeon Bay, but I don’t think it’s funny when every tourist slows down when crossing them, I mean honestly, it’s just water below with some boats and docks and such, no big deal.

Wow. Kudos to anyone who reads this random jumble of thoughts.

I brought my camera with me, maybe to take a picture of what it looks like in here, but I get so nervous with all of the people around. I didn’t feel like bringing my ugly camera bag with me, so I just put my MacBook in it’s InCase in a Vera Bradley tote with charger cords and then I put my camera body and lens each in a separate Vera Bradley cosmetic bag. But they’re quilted so that’s extra padding, right?

So the caramel in this caramel crunch cocoa tastes a little weird. I don’t know, it’s just different than usual.

It seems like people are starting to clear out now. There are some empty tables now. I’m sitting in one of the comfy chairs on the stage, so I have a view of pretty much everyone here, except the lovely ladies when they’re working behind the counter.

Maybe I should free right more often, this seems like a lot of words. Okay, I really need to take a picture. Everyone is engrossed in their own conversations, so maybe they won’t notice and think it’s weird.

I took two pictures, looked up, and saw that someone was staring at me. She must not be a blogger.

I just pulled up the prompts for Blogtember, and noticed that part of today’s suggestions is to write about what makes you happy and what makes you sad. List time, yay!

Happy things:
-puffy clouds and bright blue skies
-OmmWriter
-knowing that my friends arrive in thirty-one days
-completing this week’s event marketing homework a few days early
-working ahead on note taking for psychology so I can get stuff done and out of the way
-being told by a guest this weekend that I have a great smile
-knowing that I will probably be watching the season premiere of Modern Family
when this post gets published
-rocking out to Ruby James’s “Voudoo Queen” album while driving
-checking the Fall Color Report on TravelWisconsin.com. estimated peak color time for Door County is the third week of October. I can’t wait to go out and take some pictures!
-getting to spend time with some of the cutest and funniest little kids once or twice a week
-the fact that the happy list is longer than the sad list
-thinking about placement of my second tattoo

Sad things:
-family stuff
-not getting to see one of my friends who is unable to make it up in a month, but is currently three hours away working on a recording project
-my nails are totally chipped and I haven’t had time to repaint them (#firstworldproblems)
-sometimes listening to Geri X’s albums “The Kid” and “Whiskey and Cigarettes” make me really sad, especially “Seven of Spades” and “Scavenger Hunt”
-Blogtember is almost over and I won’t know what to write about anymore!
-the cooling temperature of this caramel crunch cocoa is starting to give me a headache

xoxo.

26 September 2013 :: Go to a coffee shop. Order a favorite drink. Write about what makes you happy and what makes you sad. Or write about anything you'd like! Bonus points for including a photo from the coffee shop. (I recommend downloading Ommwriter and bringing headphones along!) *if you can't make it to a coffee shop, at least leave your usual space and write someplace new.