real talk Tuesday :: on mental illness

about real talk Tuesdays: sometimes I like to talk about the real and heavy stuff that is going on in my life. it's not a regular thing that happens every Tuesday, but I tried to streamline it down to only being on Tuesdays, if ever. (that said, not every post that happens to be on a Tuesday is going to be heavy.) they're written stream of consciousness because they are typically snippets from my actual journal.

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I have been mentally writing this post for months. I just wish that I would have taken note of at least some of it, because when I sat down to actually type it out, my mind just started wandering other places. I had originally started this draft in November, and I was planning on publicly sharing it in January at the beginning of the year, but then I looked up when National Eating Disorder Awareness Week is, and I figured that that week (this week!) would be the time to share.

the problem is that I really don't know when the beginning was. I was always made fun of and picked on through elementary, middle, and high school. for most of the first three years of high school, I would eat lunch with my upperclassmen friends in one of the upstairs hallways, and then senior year I started eating in the commons again with my friends, and it made me just feel really weird. I just felt so awkward eating around people, and I don't really have an answer as to why. I am just so so self conscious and I constantly feel like the people around me are judging me, when I know that for the most part, we're all just more focused on ourselves to really pay attention to what others are doing.

at some point, I stopped bringing food with me to the motel when I would work at night. I would just get so busy with everything going on that I wouldn't take the time to take a break to eat. I'm not blaming this on the motel. I'm not blaming this on anyone there either. I know in my heart that I can take the time when I need the time, and that I just need to listen to my body and take care of it.

the point is that I've been hurting myself for years. I've been slowly trying to be better about eating in the evenings, but it still is so weird for me to eat in front of people. do you know how hard it is for me to go to a restaurant, especially by myself? it's absolutely terrifying, when I know that there is noting to be afraid of. food = fuel and I need to work on that.

there were some scary things that happened in the last year or so because of being so terrified to eat around people. last January, I was on vacation and I went 22 hours without eating. super unsafe, as I know. a few weeks ago, during one of the events at the motel, I was in the back of one of the evening meetings, and I was so scared of the possibility of passing out in front of all of those people (though I have never passed out before). on the other side of my brain, there was this little voice that said, "it's fine; you've been doing this for years and you'll be okay." horrifying.

I am currently one month sober. I know that this is going to be better for my overall health and well-being, as I have learned that when you don't eat, you can easily get a hangover after having just one drink.

I've been naturally thin my whole life, and while this didn't really start out as a desire to stay thin, I would be lying if I said that I wasn't afraid of gaining weight. what I need to keep telling myself is that the way to better achieve this is by regular exercise and eating properly. I'm supposed to be going back to the Y to swim a few mornings a week, and I am totally slacking on that. I know that that would help me feel so much better, and I have more than enough time to get outside and just walk around the neighborhood more often. fresh air is good for everyone.

another thing that terrifies me is my willingness to lie to people about this... just being so horrified at someone's offer of food that I freeze and lie to them. it's really scary.

it's not uncommon for someone with an eating disorder to also have anxiety and/or depression. I think that the depression (which I really don't think is severe) probably came to light while I was in college and starting to feel like I really had no friends. to this day, there are times when I get really worked up over not being invited out to things, but then when I do get invited, I don't want to go anyway. it's a horrible circle that just ends in me crying when I am trying to fall asleep, wondering why I'm still alone. (and don't even get me started on the number of times I have started crying in the diner at the motel because that is super awkward.) it's really scary that I can turn the fake emotions back on for people and pretend to be happy, but I know that it's really there when I get aggravated about the dumbest things. (sorry for yelling, Mom.)

I was too embarrassed to be more open about all of this in the past because I wanted to feel like everything was normal and I didn't want to be treated differently by anyone who knew the truth. I also didn't want to accept help in getting to where I needed to be to recover from all of this. but I guess what I should have realized is that no one can overcome mental illness alone. I'm not making this public knowledge for pity, but because everyone who is struggling silently deserves support and acceptance.

recovery is neither easy nor immediate, but it is more than necessary. there are dozens of children whose lives I am a part of every week, and I need to be healthy and set a good example for them. my family needs me, and I have my adult children to take care of as well. this is important. here goes nothing. I can recover and so can you.

to those who have already walked beside me in this journey to being healthy again, thank you. your support even though you had no idea what was going on means the world to me. to those who are close to me and are learning about this because I posted it on social media, I'm truly sorry. opening up to people about things was never my strong suit.

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suggested reading:

real talk Tuesdays :: on being the quiet one
National Eating Disorder Awareness Organization

Psychology Today | Eating Disorders and Social Anxiety

Eating Disorders | Anxiety and Depression Association of America

12 Things People Don't Understand About Eating Disorders

Here's What No One Tells You About Having Both Depression And Anxiety

57 Ways People With Eating Disorders Got Well

xoxo.

real talk Tuesdays :: on being the quiet one

about real talk Tuesdays: sometimes I like to talk about the real and heavy stuff that is going on in my life. it's not a regular thing that happens every Tuesday, but I tried to streamline it down to only being on Tuesdays, if ever. (that said, not every post that happens to be on a Tuesday is going to be heavy.) they're written stream of consciousness because they are typically snippets from my actual journal.

I was going to change names, but then that seemed like too much work. this is literally copied and pasted from a note on my phone.

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One of the things that still sticks out the most to me about the time I spent with Cash this June was that when I was quiet and just taking everything in at Beach and the Woods and in the car, he asked me multiple times what I was thinking about. He made a comment that Sunday night at the bar about how hard it is to read me and that he thought it was the eyes. (For the record, this wasn't the first time that I've been told that I am hard to read, but it was the first time that it was narrowed down to something specific. Maybe I should learn how to play poker.)

I guess I've never really had anyone actually ask me what I was thinking about before. I'm a quiet person and I think that it really has a lot to do with how I was brought up. I'm sure the Catholic school experience was part of it, but I believe that a lot of it has to do with the fact that I witnessed a lot of fights between my mother and my sister as I was growing up. I will never forget sitting in the car crying on my 13th birthday as my mom and sister yelled at each other at my sister's cottage on Bay Shore.

My sister and mother are so alike in how they speak and express themselves. They both love to talk and gossip, but are always very vague about things, trying to get people to ask them for more information. What I have learned in recent years about my father (because honestly I don't remember a whole lot about him when I was growing up) is that he is not really vocal at all, and I am seeing that I am the same way.

I really don't know how to talk to people, and they make me so nervous. I think that another part of this is that a lot of things that I want to say are things that I feel like I'm not allowed to talk about and that I don't have anyone to actually talk to about them.

It was a joke in yearbook my junior and senior years of high school that Logan (and maybe Kyle, Heather, and Erin) would "steal" my backbone because I am just so spineless.

I truly feel like I have no friends anymore. I have no social life and I rarely go out other than the events at the motel because I am just so nervous around people. Other than things for work or from my mother/sister, the only phone calls and texts I get are from people who want something from me. No one ever just wants to talk to me.

People like to just tell me stuff about their day, and I find it so strange because I would never feel like I should just tell someone about where I went for dinner and what I had and what I talked to who about.

Maybe I'm to blame because I always go for the short answer when people ask me questions, but I just wish that one time someone would get me to open up and talk about something.

I just want someone to care.

I just want someone to know.

I just want someone to understand.

I just don't want to feel so alone.

xoxo.

introducing real talk Tuesdays :: on divorce

a couple weeks ago, I wrote a post on a Tuesday afternoon about some feelings that I had that day, and then yesterday, I was watching a video on BuzzFeed which made me want to write this post. so once in a while, it's going to be "real talk Tuesday" around here with some stream of consciousness posts about what is really going on in my life. I'm hoping that they won't all be angry/sad posts, but they're not going to be all completely happy, and this is your warning if you don't want to read them. this is real life and the sun isn't always shining, but there can always be beauty to see.

maybe this is going to be too personal for me to want to post, but at the same time, I also feel that there has to be someone else in the world with a similar situation, and maybe this will help them feel less alone.

thanks to this BuzzFeed video for inspiration.

this was going to be a completely different post, but then I felt uncomfortable giving out a lot of personal information about me and my family.

just because I was 19 when my parents separated doesn't mean that it doesn't affect me.

just because my father decided to walk away doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to be angry since it wasn't my marriage.

just because your parents got a divorce doesn't mean that it was the exact situation that I went through.

just because I have never been married, it doesn't mean that this won't affect me and any relationships that I may have.

were my depression and anxiety-fueled eating disorder a product of the divorce? no, but the divorce certainly didn't help them.

I am allowed to be angry.

I am allowed to be hurt.

I am allowed to have feelings, too.

everyone is entitled to have their own opinions and therefore everyone is also entitled to have their own feelings and emotions.

xoxo.

a melancholy Tuesday afternoon post.

today on the On This Day on Facebook, I saw a picture of myself five years ago on my first day of my senior year of high school. it was while I was still in bed, so I decided that I would wear that same shirt today. that shirt was one of my favorites that year, because it was a gift from one of my musician friends, a shirt for his USA tour that year.

later, after getting out of the shower and getting dressed and ready for the day, I decided that it would be fun to listen to some of the music that I listened to that year, starting with the album that came with the shirt. it was fine listening to that album because I had some fond memories with the songs (some of which I still listen to on a very regular basis).

but listening to that album led me into some other albums I listened to a lot that year, and that was when things got harder.

the thing is that I used to have a much more familiar relationship with one of the musicians whose album I listened to, and he and the another musician I listened to today did as well. the second album that I listened to was her songs about him, and it made me so emotional today, since I don't really listen to a lot of those songs anymore.

but the weirdest part about listening to these albums was knowing that they were recorded about five/six years ago, when these musicians were around my age. when they were 21/22, they were out traveling and touring and playing music. things have changed so much now. I haven't seen him in four and a half years! the funny thing is that at this point five years ago, I still hadn't met either of these two because I didn't meet them until late October. I am so thankful though to have her as a part of my life. this got me to thinking about where I am now compared to where they were then, and I know that I shouldn't compare myself to other people, but I did.

it's not that I'm not happy to be where I am right now. I love my job and getting to know all of these wonderful people and helping to take care of them, but sometimes, when they're not here, it's just so hard and I miss them so much and I wish that I could be traveling the world and seeing new things and experiencing life on the road. I wish that I took the time to learn an instrument, and I wish that I had the musical talent that these people have.

this post doesn't have an ending, just to say that I miss these people so much and I can't wait to give them each a hug again and feel the pain melt away.

"first and foremost I've gotta learn not to give a shit

but I can't do it

I'll never throw the first hit."

"listen, listen, listen to me

there is still no other place

I'd rather be."

{lyrics from I'm Such a Fool by Geri X} 

I fell back down the rabbit hole today, and while I know that I need to get myself back out, sometimes it's just so comfortable here.

xoxo.