real talk Tuesdays :: on being the quiet one

about real talk Tuesdays: sometimes I like to talk about the real and heavy stuff that is going on in my life. it's not a regular thing that happens every Tuesday, but I tried to streamline it down to only being on Tuesdays, if ever. (that said, not every post that happens to be on a Tuesday is going to be heavy.) they're written stream of consciousness because they are typically snippets from my actual journal.

I was going to change names, but then that seemed like too much work. this is literally copied and pasted from a note on my phone.

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One of the things that still sticks out the most to me about the time I spent with Cash this June was that when I was quiet and just taking everything in at Beach and the Woods and in the car, he asked me multiple times what I was thinking about. He made a comment that Sunday night at the bar about how hard it is to read me and that he thought it was the eyes. (For the record, this wasn't the first time that I've been told that I am hard to read, but it was the first time that it was narrowed down to something specific. Maybe I should learn how to play poker.)

I guess I've never really had anyone actually ask me what I was thinking about before. I'm a quiet person and I think that it really has a lot to do with how I was brought up. I'm sure the Catholic school experience was part of it, but I believe that a lot of it has to do with the fact that I witnessed a lot of fights between my mother and my sister as I was growing up. I will never forget sitting in the car crying on my 13th birthday as my mom and sister yelled at each other at my sister's cottage on Bay Shore.

My sister and mother are so alike in how they speak and express themselves. They both love to talk and gossip, but are always very vague about things, trying to get people to ask them for more information. What I have learned in recent years about my father (because honestly I don't remember a whole lot about him when I was growing up) is that he is not really vocal at all, and I am seeing that I am the same way.

I really don't know how to talk to people, and they make me so nervous. I think that another part of this is that a lot of things that I want to say are things that I feel like I'm not allowed to talk about and that I don't have anyone to actually talk to about them.

It was a joke in yearbook my junior and senior years of high school that Logan (and maybe Kyle, Heather, and Erin) would "steal" my backbone because I am just so spineless.

I truly feel like I have no friends anymore. I have no social life and I rarely go out other than the events at the motel because I am just so nervous around people. Other than things for work or from my mother/sister, the only phone calls and texts I get are from people who want something from me. No one ever just wants to talk to me.

People like to just tell me stuff about their day, and I find it so strange because I would never feel like I should just tell someone about where I went for dinner and what I had and what I talked to who about.

Maybe I'm to blame because I always go for the short answer when people ask me questions, but I just wish that one time someone would get me to open up and talk about something.

I just want someone to care.

I just want someone to know.

I just want someone to understand.

I just don't want to feel so alone.

xoxo.