Monday, March 14, 2016

I guess this is goodbye.

it's been two weeks since I last opened up Blogger. two weeks ago, I was in my room at the house of friends of friends in St. Pete and getting ready to drive to Orlando to spend the day at Universal, but I somehow remembered to log in to post my week in photos post.

this was the first time that I traveled without bringing my laptop with me. I had my phone, yes, so I had facebook, instagram, and texting, but it was so good to be away from the rest of social media and the internet. I was visiting one of my best friends for a few days, and it was so great to just get to hang out and talk with her while she showed me around her home.

this trip to Florida really was life changing for me, and one of the things I took back to Wisconsin with me is that I don't need to be this connected or worried about things on the internet, and I really enjoyed not worrying so much about editing photos and typing into a white box for three people to read the past few weeks.

I'm not deleting the blog, but I won't be posting here anymore.


Monday, February 29, 2016

8/52 :: 2016

this was a weird "try to get back to normal life" but also "tie up loose ends" week, so here are some random photos from that.

Friday 19 February // day fifty :: I still can't get over these walls.

Saturday 20 February // day fifty-one :: I don't know what to say here. just taking random photos.

Sunday 21 February // day fifty-two :: my favorite page so far.

Monday 22 February // day fifty-three :: couldn't help myself! cute socks always and Frenchies forever!

Tuesday 23 February // day fifty-four :: stars from my stars.

Wednesday 24 February // day fifty-five :: thank you, Target, for fueling my trail mix obsession.

Thursday 25 February // day fifty-six :: this is how I pack.


Tuesday, February 23, 2016

real talk Tuesday :: on mental illness

about real talk Tuesdays: sometimes I like to talk about the real and heavy stuff that is going on in my life. it's not a regular thing that happens every Tuesday, but I tried to streamline it down to only being on Tuesdays, if ever. (that said, not every post that happens to be on a Tuesday is going to be heavy.) they're written stream of consciousness because they are typically snippets from my actual journal.


I have been mentally writing this post for months. I just wish that I would have taken note of at least some of it, because when I sat down to actually type it out, my mind just started wandering other places. I had originally started this draft in November, and I was planning on publicly sharing it in January at the beginning of the year, but then I looked up when National Eating Disorder Awareness Week is, and I figured that that week (this week!) would be the time to share.

the problem is that I really don't know when the beginning was. I was always made fun of and picked on through elementary, middle, and high school. for most of the first three years of high school, I would eat lunch with my upperclassmen friends in one of the upstairs hallways, and then senior year I started eating in the commons again with my friends, and it made me just feel really weird. I just felt so awkward eating around people, and I don't really have an answer as to why. I am just so so self conscious and I constantly feel like the people around me are judging me, when I know that for the most part, we're all just more focused on ourselves to really pay attention to what others are doing.

at some point, I stopped bringing food with me to the motel when I would work at night. I would just get so busy with everything going on that I wouldn't take the time to take a break to eat. I'm not blaming this on the motel. I'm not blaming this on anyone there either. I know in my heart that I can take the time when I need the time, and that I just need to listen to my body and take care of it.

the point is that I've been hurting myself for years. I've been slowly trying to be better about eating in the evenings, but it still is so weird for me to eat in front of people. do you know how hard it is for me to go to a restaurant, especially by myself? it's absolutely terrifying, when I know that there is noting to be afraid of. food = fuel and I need to work on that.

there were some scary things that happened in the last year or so because of being so terrified to eat around people. last January, I was on vacation and I went 22 hours without eating. super unsafe, as I know. a few weeks ago, during one of the events at the motel, I was in the back of one of the evening meetings, and I was so scared of the possibility of passing out in front of all of those people (though I have never passed out before). on the other side of my brain, there was this little voice that said, "it's fine; you've been doing this for years and you'll be okay." horrifying.

I am currently one month sober. I know that this is going to be better for my overall health and well-being, as I have learned that when you don't eat, you can easily get a hangover after having just one drink.

I've been naturally thin my whole life, and while this didn't really start out as a desire to stay thin, I would be lying if I said that I wasn't afraid of gaining weight. what I need to keep telling myself is that the way to better achieve this is by regular exercise and eating properly. I'm supposed to be going back to the Y to swim a few mornings a week, and I am totally slacking on that. I know that that would help me feel so much better, and I have more than enough time to get outside and just walk around the neighborhood more often. fresh air is good for everyone.

another thing that terrifies me is my willingness to lie to people about this... just being so horrified at someone's offer of food that I freeze and lie to them. it's really scary.

it's not uncommon for someone with an eating disorder to also have anxiety and/or depression. I think that the depression (which I really don't think is severe) probably came to light while I was in college and starting to feel like I really had no friends. to this day, there are times when I get really worked up over not being invited out to things, but then when I do get invited, I don't want to go anyway. it's a horrible circle that just ends in me crying when I am trying to fall asleep, wondering why I'm still alone. (and don't even get me started on the number of times I have started crying in the diner at the motel because that is super awkward.) it's really scary that I can turn the fake emotions back on for people and pretend to be happy, but I know that it's really there when I get aggravated about the dumbest things. (sorry for yelling, Mom.)

I was too embarrassed to be more open about all of this in the past because I wanted to feel like everything was normal and I didn't want to be treated differently by anyone who knew the truth. I also didn't want to accept help in getting to where I needed to be to recover from all of this. but I guess what I should have realized is that no one can overcome mental illness alone. I'm not making this public knowledge for pity, but because everyone who is struggling silently deserves support and acceptance.

recovery is neither easy nor immediate, but it is more than necessary. there are dozens of children whose lives I am a part of every week, and I need to be healthy and set a good example for them. my family needs me, and I have my adult children to take care of as well. this is important. here goes nothing. I can recover and so can you.

to those who have already walked beside me in this journey to being healthy again, thank you. your support even though you had no idea what was going on means the world to me. to those who are close to me and are learning about this because I posted it on social media, I'm truly sorry. opening up to people about things was never my strong suit.


suggested reading:


Monday, February 22, 2016

7/52 :: 2016

this week started with the last few days with my sweet gold stars before they left our nest and flew away to all corners of the country. then there were lots of errands and adulting.

Friday 12 February // day forty-three :: True Love <3

Saturday 13 February // day forty-four :: the beautiful, wonderful, and talented Nici Peper.

Sunday 14 February // day forty-five :: <3 <3 <3 day and a little Bearded Heart Coffee love.

Monday 15 February // day forty-six :: photo editing distractions: coloring, chocolate, chai latte.

Tuesday 16 February // day forty-seven :: time for errands.

Wednesday 17 February // day forty-eight :: I don't want to be an adult anymore.

Thursday 18 February // day forty-nine :: I can't believe he's old enough to write his own name!


Thursday, February 18, 2016

NatureBox :: February 2016

another NatureBox post with some horrible pictures from my kitchen at 9:30 at night. (:

Dried White Peaches :: dried fruit is one of my favorite snacks, and I've had the Dried California Peaches from NatureBox before. I wasn't too impressed with these though. They just had a bland flavor that made me kind of sad.

White peaches are known for their softer texture and sweeter taste than their tangier cousin yellow peaches. Just don’t tell the yellow peaches we said that, they are really sensitive. With this dried version of our favorite summertime fruit, you’ll never have to worry about the pits.

Masa Crisps :: I've had these before {September 2013 // March 2015}, and they remain one of my favorite choices. They're just like mini Fritos (as far as I remember), but they're better for you because they are made of higher quality ingredients and they aren't greasy and gross.

Masa Crisps are a delicious delivery mechanism for your favorite Mexican dip: guacamole, salsa or queso. Made with yellow corn masa and flax seeds, these crisps offer a satisfying crunch that’ll have you saying “chips who?”. They’re the perfect side dish on Taco Tuesday, and great for munching on movie night. Just don’t crunch too loud over the good parts.

Blueberry Almond Quinoa Bites :: I couldn't find these on the website, so I think that maybe they're out of stock for now, but I know that I've had the Cranberry Almond Bites before. I think my keyword for this month's box is bland, because I didn't really get a whole lot of excitement out of these. Yes, they have blueberries and nuts, but they don't have a lot of flavor.

Quinoa is one of those hard-to-pronounce, fashionable grains that everyone's talking about. But for good reason! Few grains pack more of a nutritious punch, especially in these tasty little bites of puffed quinoa, combined with dried blueberries, almonds and pumpkin seeds. Even the worlds pickiest co-worker ate them all.

PB&J Granola :: Another repeat. (: I had this one in May 2014 and May 2015. I'm sure I say every time that my favorite part is that it's a soft granola, and I just love the dried fruit with the salty peanut butter.

Pour a few glasses of almond milk and portion out this granola into several snack bowls to share with your friends. This oat-filled chewy granola goodness tastes just like that classic peanut butter and jelly sandwich - your favorite after-school snack. The added bonus? Sweet strawberries and raisins!

Dark Cocoa Nom Noms :: I first had these in July 2014. I've also had the peanut butter and pumpkin spice ones, and maybe the blueberry ones too. The pumpkin spice ones are my favorite. Anyway! These kind of taste like soft brownies, but the oats add to the texture. They're still soft though, and they are the perfect little sweet.

The Nom Nom craze began with peanut butter and continues to grow - with Dark Cocoa. Feed your nom nom addiction with this blend of oats, cocoa and vanilla - like a soft-baked double chocolate cookie. Best enjoyed with a glass of milk in hand, it will take the edge off your chocolate craving.

Garlic Plantains :: These definitely were a surprise snack and not something that I would have picked out for myself. I was pleasantly surprised that the garlic flavor wasn't very overpowering, and the plantains didn't have as much of a banana flavor as I thought they would.

Made with real garlic, these are quite a hit with lovers of the bulb. Dried garlic lends a dynamic flavor profile against crispy plantains as a flavorful vehicle for hummus, guacamole, or try crunching up and tossing into a salad.

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