Public Apology

If you remember from yesterday's post, I mentioned that I did something stupid that forever ended a friendship. Since today's prompt from Blog Every Day in May is to issue a public apology, maybe today is my time to redeem myself.

When I was young and stupid {sixteen}, I was really hurt by the actions of someone I had once considered to be my best friend {maybe he wasn't actually my best friend, but I guess I've probably called him my ex-best friend because it's more dramatic than saying former friend}. You see, we were pretty close {I thought} when I was in seventh grade, and he was in eighth grade. We had a combined class that year, three seventh graders and five eighth graders, and he and I had a kind of friends-but-not-friends relationship. Our teacher had us sit at the same table to kind of get us to get along better, but it's not like we hated each other, that was just the way we treated one another? I don't really know how to explain it.

Okay, I got off track. As always. Where was I?

Oh right. So when he went to high school, I went to public middle school {those buildings are attached}. I would see him in the hallway or whatever, but we never talked or anything. We would still go to the same church, and we were both altar servers for Christmas Mass that year, and then a few weeks later. That January morning is the last time he and I actually talked.

Fast forward to the fall of my junior year. He's one of the most popular seniors, and I'm definitely not one of the "popular" group in my class. Somehow, I ended up on Yearbook though, me and two other junior girls, plus some of the senior girls. Our theme for the yearbook was "Seasons of Change," and for our yearbook layout pictures, the twelve of us girls, plus our advisor, and this guy {not naming names for privacy reasons, sorry if this is confusing} took a bus about an hour away to go to a cosmetology college to get our hair and nails done, and then get our pictures taken. Now, a great question here would be: why did he go with you if he wasn't on Yearbook?? I think he was supposed to take our picture/s, as he was on Yearbook the previous year, but I'm pretty sure that didn't happen, and he ended up getting a pedicure and his hair done. So anyway, as all of us girls are getting ready to get our group picture taken, he came over by me to fix my chair {we were all in the beauty shares from their stations...I bet they were glad when we left}, and he said something to me, and I was like whoa, maybe things are okay between us?

We paid, got back on the bus, and returned to school. It was around 4 pm at this time, and I had to get home, so I could go to the Y to finish my CPR class. I didn't have a car at this point, and while I could have taken a ten minute walk to get there, I picked up the courage to ask him to give me a ride home since he only lived a few blocks away. He said yes, and we left together. I would have to say that it is one of the two most awkward car rides I've ever been on. We had a semi-normal conversation, I guess.

We had a few semi-normal moments in the next few weeks, but then a few months later, I just couldn't take it anymore.

I wrote a letter. It was three pages about how he ruined my life.

I told two of my closest friends about it; I let them read it. They encouraged me to mail it, as I wanted to.

It was a terrible idea.

I never should have done it.

I feel so, so bad, and I am so, so sorry. It's one thing to write and get your feelings out, but to tell someone that they've ruined your life? Terrible idea.

I'm so sorry, M. I wish I would have never mailed it, but the past is the past and it can't be undone. Maybe someday we can pretend this never happened, just start over fresh? I'd like that.

I'm sorry.

xoxo.